plans?

A few months ago KJ, Zion and I were taking a much needed family day. Since the weather was bad we decided to go look at hunting stuff and have fun in Fort Collins. On the drive up it was stormy, but we had just bought our first new car a week ago. As I surveyed the strange weather I said, "I feel so safe in this car." Less then 20 minutes later we found ourselves in the middle of a tornado praying for our lives. A large tree limb fell on our car destroying the passenger side of the car less then a minute after I had moved in the backseat to comfort Zion. It has been a long time since I have felt so shaken up and so un-safe. How poignant. As we ran away from the car (it was pouring rain and there were rumors of more tornadoes passing through) I felt spared. I felt special.

That fateful day was in June. In August, we drove by the site of the accident. The 50+ tree was completely uprooted and only dirt covered the ground where it had been. Except. This sunflower. I honestly couldn't believe it. I took a picture to remember the beauty that can come from ugly situations. We are safe. We got a (better) new car. I learned that safety is not ours to claim, but it is what God has and does.

Fastforward a few months. I was able to leave a job in which I was very unhappy. I have had months of joyful days spending time at home with Zion. I am still working, just fewer hours and I am also taking classes. I have realized that I have been putting off parts of my heart -like writing- and spending my spare time watching tv to avoid dealing with our current situation. We are not where we had planned. There was some miscommunication at KJ's work as to a raise in his salary. We were just barely making it for a few months hoping to get to October- the month when everything would be ok. However, when we got to October we were told- maybe 3 to 6 months, maybe 8 to 10, who knows? As I relate it back to the day of the tornado I had a lot of security, or safety, riding on October. Now, things are not what we had hoped. We are very blessed that I can pick up a few hours to add a little to our income, but I can't make everything be alright.

This is a very tough place for me. I want to be thankful but I keep feeling wronged. I was listening to Rob Bell's sermon on Philippians 2:14-16 and he explained how Paul compared it to the Exodus. He talked about if you have any feelings in your psyche that God is not good then when a tough situation comes up you default into this mode.

Wow. I knew this was my central problem but I could not get past it. And, I do not want to own up to it because then I have to trust that God is good and expect God's Spirit and teaching in this situation.

This last part (of his sermon) I want to quote because it is so beautiful and eloquent that I want to say it, but my words serve it no justice:

God has an economy of salvation. We misread it;somethings are really difficult. That difficulty is an invitation to become a more truthful, honest, humble person filled with wonder. When these things happen they are not signs that God is absent, but signs and invitations to get through it because on the other side we will become a new kind of person. I am about to find out that the Spirit of God is present even in this. [Faith] is a marathon.

To relate all of this, I am going to go back to yoga, which is something that I have doing a lot of lately. I can handle physical toughness. I can push myself at certain times of the day. However, if I am not feeling great or I am drained I cannot. This is a lesson in trust and each day brings opportunities to ask for help. I need help. To trust is to ask for help. And so I ask for help today and I open my heart to the challenges that this crazy time of our lives bring; it is our gift; who knows what flowers it may bring?