Heretical Rumblings of the Heart Part II

Things That Don't Matter in the '60's (2060)

The unknown terrifies us all. Those that stuck our their necks in the civil rights movement were stepping out in the waters of the Jordan unsure if the tides would part and a people, through baptism, would emerge. During the time of the civil rights movement there was a biblical basis for slaves. There were people who loved God who couldn't see the wrong in it.

Now, time tells the story of us; a people who know that racism is wrong. We are a different and better church because of it.

Today we have our own issues. Time again will play out the truth. Chromosomes, genes. Mitosis. Sexual Reproduction. We don't always know what is right. What we do know is that people are born different. Some people are born with a genetic predisposition to like the same sex. And some feel like they are in the wrong body. Who are these? They are people. They can tell us about shame and they can tell us about hope. They tell the best stories because they have experienced the unimaginable... both good and bad. They teach us about generosity and forgiveness.

What do I know? I know that commitment is a sacrament. I know that God is committed to us. How perfect it is that the symbol of God's commitment and compassion to us is the rainbow. This is a symbol of the oppressed. Heck, it's my last name.

There are many understandable and logical arguments against homosexuality. I don't deny it. I am contending on a different level- a new covenant God of commitments and second chances and redemption.

There are many holy homosexuals who have remained celibate to avoid pious error. How many heterosexuals can say the same thing?

And, when we do look at the Bible as a standard and "law" for our lives we seem to find some concrete evidence against it... in the Old Testament. Now, I do try and eat kosher and but there are definite laws (multiple materials) that I do break. I'm not claiming to be able to obey everything here. But, the people who use these texts are generally Christians who don't try and follow a lick of the ten commandments (what about the Sabbath? it is a biggie) or the 503 other laws. So, it seems that devout Jews have a lot more leverage in citing these texts than Christians. And, honestly, I'm not speaking to the Jews- I am not one. I am speaking to the Christians. Don't we say that Jesus is the Author and Finisher of our Faith? What did Jesus have to say on the issue? Absolutely nothing that we know of. Could that have been intentional? It was prevalent back then. What we hear about in the New Testament could be disputed as referencing eunuchs. And what then? Is ignoring a small part and embracing the big part good enough? These are the true stories of those who stain the pages of the Bible. Didn't David, a man after God's own heart commit adultery and then kill the woman's husband (among many other things)? So the letter of the law is important. It is what calls us to account. But, it is the Spirit of the law that frees us and allows us to focus on the mission; to feed the hungry and bring peace and life. All of this has made me step back and think: what is it that I am saying overall with my life? Isn't that a better question.

But I don't want argue. I just want to share on a heart level.

Heretical Rumblings of the Heart

The Christian Church is at a point of uprising and implosion. It is a lovely time to live. The old ways are falling away and and a new faith and church is emerging that is an agent of change. However, we are amidst the shift. It is those that are clinging by their fingernails to the steeple of institution that are being carried away by the march of the disenchanted.

First of all, let's start with the biggie.

The Bible as an Idol

Truly, the Bible is great. It is composed of stories and history and poetry and letters. It is beautiful and wonderful because it is the sacred amongst the banality. And this is what makes it all the more powerful. We each want a place where everything will be explained for us. We want something that we can cling to and say, "this is it." This is exactly what I have to do and then I will be ok. However, life is not like that. There is grey. In our lives we have blemishes. It is our blemishes that makes our pure acts that much more beautiful. This is the tension that we have been given to live in. For those who adamantly purport that the Bible has no mistakes and that it is exactly as God Herself (ha ha!) would have wanted it... why does that matter? It matters because these people have no other method to hear from God. They desperately need something to cling to and say: this is it. I am safe. But the real question is not, am I safe? But do I taste? Do I know? Am I giving food to others? Before we were pregnant with Zion, we clearly heard from God that it was time for us to have kids (now I wonder what God was thinking). At that time I had been wrestling with the idea that Abraham obeyed all of the law before the law existed. How could this be? I wondered. After God spoke I finally understood. The law is encased in the Spirit. It is listening for God's voice and then acting. What of the miracles of the Bible if they do not happen again today? What is the point in believing in something old if you are not looking again for it to be made new? When God told us that we were to have kids there were kind words about us in the revelation and I thought it was because we were going to be the best parents ever. It was not until the past six months that I have realized how human, how angry and impatient I am that is making me and my children better people. It is through the process of fire. Here's a glass to you, St. Joan. Thanks for changing history through the fire in your soul.

Exuming my soul

I'm back and evolving. As of late I have felt like a Gothic painting with a hand clapped over my mouth. It's not that I haven't wanted to speak; I feel like I have been yelling out muffled by perceptions of what I should be thinking, believing and experiencing at this discrete point in my life.

I have felt compressed and stolen from in Debbie's death. But not in a way that most would think. There are many wonderful things about her and those unique and beautiful aspects of her will be treasured and missed. I feel as if I lost my husband. Since we have been married I feel as though she has taken from my husband much more than she has given. The reason that makes me angry is that more than any person on this earth KJ coveted her blanket of affection. I felt like he always had her approval and admiration but he openly asked for the affection and it was generally withheld; in her presence (physical or verbal) he was a little boy longing for his mommy to care. We seemed to live in the flux of momentary bliss of her approval, affection and admiration and mostly aching for it to return. When I learned that her cancer was terminal I exhaled; at least my children will not have to live through this continual rollercoaster of false promises and copious heartache.

She died on March 29th, 2010. She was the woman who made you feel like the luckiest person in the world. I had thought in her parting we would finally move on. I was angry at her because I felt that she would never give to KJ or our family what she expected to be given to her. I thought life was finally blooming; spring; Easter.

What I do understand is that this truly is the season of Epiphany. We are learning to walk in God's presence in life and death. The truth is, now has been the hardest part. Ironically, she has been the most present she ever was in KJ's life- she is in his dreams each night and they do things he loves (this has happened for about a month). He is constantly raw and I am drained from this pilgramage. I am beginning to see that her appearance in his dreams are her gift offering of the mother she wasn't when she was alive; he still needs her. I finally realized that I am angry that this process is dragging on. I think something in me associates prior pain with his mother in his grieving process and I just want it to be done so we can move on to the good part.

What is the good part? I am trying to figure that out. We are alive. We have space to figure out what it means to know God, life, family this side of existence. I love what Matisyahu says about this emptiness:

Being that a woman is a reflection of God, this means that I also have a void or empty space within. True creation must come from this place... this is the ultimate act of God's giving to us....autonomy.