Lady of the Bleeding Heart

This weekend KJ preached on Mary and her importance. I have thought of Mary as a mother and greatly appreciated her; today I venerated her.
The wonderful thing is that I finally understand what the big deal is!
Mary gets it. She had a choice to be crucified, to be the forerunner, to create a path for us to also follow in and she chose it.
I am so grateful for her response. And, I finally understand why Catholics pray to her. Of all the saints, Mary chose to go through agony all the days of her life from the time the angel appeared to her. And, she obeyed! She obeyed although it was so difficult. We see inklings of her humanity in the Gospels-Jesus running away to the temple as a child, her sending her children to get Jesus while he is preaching, and finally, Jesus asking John to take care of his mother as a son.
However, unlike the other saints, or big names of the Bible, we do not see her fall into temptation (David, Abraham, Peter, Paul's past). In Mary we have the pure in heart. In Mary I have a role model. In Mary we have a human image of the Feminine Divine.
In some ways, I am grateful to Catholics for glorifying her; she is great. Part of me wants to pray to her for help; I mean if anyone would understand, wouldn't she?
My hope is that I will be able to emulate her path and her willingness with the help of God and her encouragement. Blessed mother of God.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

my amazingly wonderful family

although kj posts pics & videos on his facebook and blog .
here are a few that i/my camera have taken in this past few months...









This is Zion's new fall wardrobe.






















One evening we put the lil man to bed with a hat on. He still had it on when he woke up!





















Umm. Come on. Adorable.
















KJ and I before Clare & Jamie's rehearsal dinner.





















Baby signing time. A special time. You can share what's on your mind.



















the snow is almost here. I promise.

plans?

A few months ago KJ, Zion and I were taking a much needed family day. Since the weather was bad we decided to go look at hunting stuff and have fun in Fort Collins. On the drive up it was stormy, but we had just bought our first new car a week ago. As I surveyed the strange weather I said, "I feel so safe in this car." Less then 20 minutes later we found ourselves in the middle of a tornado praying for our lives. A large tree limb fell on our car destroying the passenger side of the car less then a minute after I had moved in the backseat to comfort Zion. It has been a long time since I have felt so shaken up and so un-safe. How poignant. As we ran away from the car (it was pouring rain and there were rumors of more tornadoes passing through) I felt spared. I felt special.

That fateful day was in June. In August, we drove by the site of the accident. The 50+ tree was completely uprooted and only dirt covered the ground where it had been. Except. This sunflower. I honestly couldn't believe it. I took a picture to remember the beauty that can come from ugly situations. We are safe. We got a (better) new car. I learned that safety is not ours to claim, but it is what God has and does.

Fastforward a few months. I was able to leave a job in which I was very unhappy. I have had months of joyful days spending time at home with Zion. I am still working, just fewer hours and I am also taking classes. I have realized that I have been putting off parts of my heart -like writing- and spending my spare time watching tv to avoid dealing with our current situation. We are not where we had planned. There was some miscommunication at KJ's work as to a raise in his salary. We were just barely making it for a few months hoping to get to October- the month when everything would be ok. However, when we got to October we were told- maybe 3 to 6 months, maybe 8 to 10, who knows? As I relate it back to the day of the tornado I had a lot of security, or safety, riding on October. Now, things are not what we had hoped. We are very blessed that I can pick up a few hours to add a little to our income, but I can't make everything be alright.

This is a very tough place for me. I want to be thankful but I keep feeling wronged. I was listening to Rob Bell's sermon on Philippians 2:14-16 and he explained how Paul compared it to the Exodus. He talked about if you have any feelings in your psyche that God is not good then when a tough situation comes up you default into this mode.

Wow. I knew this was my central problem but I could not get past it. And, I do not want to own up to it because then I have to trust that God is good and expect God's Spirit and teaching in this situation.

This last part (of his sermon) I want to quote because it is so beautiful and eloquent that I want to say it, but my words serve it no justice:

God has an economy of salvation. We misread it;somethings are really difficult. That difficulty is an invitation to become a more truthful, honest, humble person filled with wonder. When these things happen they are not signs that God is absent, but signs and invitations to get through it because on the other side we will become a new kind of person. I am about to find out that the Spirit of God is present even in this. [Faith] is a marathon.

To relate all of this, I am going to go back to yoga, which is something that I have doing a lot of lately. I can handle physical toughness. I can push myself at certain times of the day. However, if I am not feeling great or I am drained I cannot. This is a lesson in trust and each day brings opportunities to ask for help. I need help. To trust is to ask for help. And so I ask for help today and I open my heart to the challenges that this crazy time of our lives bring; it is our gift; who knows what flowers it may bring?

sadness

today i said goodbye to a friend. the sun was shining, the flowers were in bloom and the air was a perfect warmness. out of nowhere i realized that this was the end. the start of a beautiful friendship stolen by distance. funny, i would never think that we would become good friends. she uses all kind of lingo that i just wouldn't and she's from texas and proud of it. i mean, seriously!

it seems like a strange friendship because, somehow, without even trying i am a blessing. recently i have been noticing my void of spirit. i have been engrossed in childcare issues, wanting to stay at home, working and going to school so that i can stay at home. all this longing to be able to simply love my family and focus on being.

yet, somehow i found someone that sees my true heart and feels kindred to it! it is not lost at all! thank you christi for revealing to me that it still beats strongly within me for love, justice, mercy and life.

it's funny how kindred souls seem so few and far between. it just happens or it doesn't.

so. today the sun shines into my sorrowed heart.

disciplina

How happy is the person whom God reproves, So do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. Job 5:17

Discipline has always been perplexing to me. I know it is needed but how does it work and how do you do it? Since Zion was about 8 months it was obvious that this strong-willed wonder was going to need some firm direction. It seems that each time KJ and I both are really frustrated with Zion some changes in discipline are needed.

What has been amazing to me is how very painful disciplining is for me. It is easy to be mad at someone because they are being a total pest. But most discipline (if you're trying to be consistent) comes in the small things. It is those little things that give a basis for the big things. However, in the small things when a new area is being disciplined there is this little voice that says, "Come on. He only did it once." It's tough! I sometimes like to hear Zion's cries of anguish because of the discipline. I, too, like to remember the pain of (my) will bending.

The other day I was listening to him scream and I was reflecting on how often, even in the small things, I go down kicking and screaming too. I know that my discipline is good for Zion. The results are immediate. It is unbelievable! It has caused me to reflect on my own life and how often I might not receive or even notice God's discipline. So, what they hay? I asked for God's discipline. And God delivered. And most of me likes it (except for that tiny part that goes down kicking and screaming).

The interesting thing about discipline is that there is a blessing tied with it. Our friend Daniel says that "your discipline to your child IS grace." yep. it's true. but painful. and true.

sick day

yesterday zion was sick and the snugliest boy ever. well. for him.

birthday week

this past week was the best week of my entire life.
you know when you have those moments of pure bliss that you cannot imagine life getting any better and you want to devour the moment and carry it with you forever? that was the way i felt this past week. i think it is because i generally feel on the outside of friend groups or possibly friends in general.

to hear my friends so happy to honor and celebrate me was a new concept. i realized that my self-image has been very harsh lately. hearing my friends pray over me, reading their wonderful cards and receiving gifts -that only my heart knew i wanted- was indescribable.

it reminded me of my friend christy who was trying to be free of the "biblical standard' proverbs 31 woman. i told that is who she is and that she needs it read over her; it is better to be told who we are and grow into it then to be told who we should be. (in writing this i realize the need to speak good things over people and see their hearts beyond what they are acting like in the moment).

to me, all of this emotion can be summed up in the picture above. these african women and children are using hippo rollers that allow them to roll their water jugs instead of heaving them on their backs and heads. for them, the blessing of water felt like a curse because they hurt their bodies carrying it. when someone found an easy solution these women and children are now able to enjoy the walk to get water. to me, it is like my friends. they are always here, i just needed an avenue to know how much they cared. thank you everyone.

tv

kj and i watch tv on our computer. i have found probably one of my all-time favorite shows that only blatantly sold merchandise (instead of trying to subliminally sell a concept or product) and is about artsy peope post-college trying to live out their ideals in the conundrum of corporate-ness, etc and blogging their way through it. obviously it wasn't a hit.
you can check out the first 6 episodes on nbc.com.

unschooling

[Unschooling ] simply takes being open to the lives our children wish to live, and learning to trust in and nurture the inner voice that each child is born with- Alison McKee

Learning is not the product of teaching. Learning is the product of the activity of learners- John Holt

A little while ago, when Zion was simply a thought in the Tencza consciousness, KJ and I went on a day trip to Copper Mountain. On our drive home, seemingly out of nowhere, KJ told me of how he had had thought of us homeschooling Zion-and he liked it. He told me of how exciting it would be to experience life with him, teach him through real-life experiences, and travel to different countries as part of his education (except at this point in time there was no name for Zion in our consciousness. We were talking about our child someday). I looked over at KJ cockeyed and wondered where this crazy idea had come from. It is not anything unusual for KJ to throw an idea at me from "nowhere." I smiled at the irony of it all; for years we have ridiculed homeschooling because of the very awkward product that it produces. But now, we actually had good models of homeschooled children. To us, a good homeschooled child seems like a schooled child. I know you know what I mean. It is the motivation that scares us. Parents who homeschool to "protect" their children from the bad world tend to produce the most troubled adults.

So, the thought was planted. Then we talked to a friend, Betony Coons, who said that she was unschooled . Betony is about as cool a cat as they come so we knew that her parents did something right. She told us how she was unschooled and how each of the kids in her family were free to pursue their own interests. By the time they were 18 they were secure in themselves and their abilities. Huh. I still didn't understand it, but I liked it.

Then we had a son. This son of ours seems to follow many of KJ's non-normal patterns of being and (maybe?) learning. Hmmm. KJ and I both love teaching and learning. It is who we are. At my work in the library I work to promote interactive forms of learning by combining literacy and fun. I am also a keen sociologist with tons of materials at my fingertips. I have begun to notice parents, daycares, and how they interact with those for whom they care. I have talked to my favorite parents and learned that, indeed, they do seem to follow certain premises and I have studied up on them (the disciplinary style of love and logic (Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical parenting from Birth to Five Years by Jim Faye) and unschooling.


Unschooling is child-directed learning that focuses on the joy and wonder of learning. It's core principle is that an individual will learn what she/he needs to know when it is time. Right, I thought. But could I really be that creative and would that work when Zion gets older and bored? Initially I thought that KJ would be amazing at this and I would just really have to work at it to be like him.

I have devoured accounts of unschoolers. I believe that schooling your child is an act of faith and trust. It allows for the special individual attention that in which a child can flourish. The more I have learn and read, the more convinced I am that this is the best thing for our family and that I can do this; even more, my heart longs for this. I suppose that this is the way schooling occurred long ago and produced the likes of Thomas Edison. I like to think of it as producing a Renaissance person. The world truly is our classroom.

After studying this I see that I am an unschooler and living with KJ has taught me how to use every resource I have to learn. This is how I live. Stay tuned: many adventures to come.

musingsconnected

yesterday was an absolutely fabulous day. kj and i had a chance to spend the entire day together and frolick and all... thanks to fabulous friend christy and time off from work.

at the beginning of our day we went to hot yoga together (somewhat ironic that it is one of our favorite past times now). the instructor talked about how when you do hot yoga a lot, say 30-60 days in a row, instead of the wonderful feeling -my spine and body feel like i am 10 years old- it is quite common to experience old injuries all over again. she told us that this happens because the body is healing those injuries properly.

a fundamental of judaism is the belief that the physical action must come first before the spiritual. a fundamental of american christianity is the reverse: first the spiritual, which will make you want to do the physical.

kj has been on a huge kick of experiencing the human we will naturally understand the divine grace of God.

my friend, nichole, taught me a few years ago that healing (spiritual and emotional) has many layers. God will continually peel back new layers of wounds , like an onion i suppose, when we are ready.

what does it mean to heal both our body and spirit? and, more importantly, are they interrelated?

i think my current understanding of healing is that we still feel the pain of the wounds, but we are able to leave behind the bad feelings (bitterness, envy, forms of anger).

who knows? if it is true, first the physical then the spiritual, then i must conclude that Jesus was
in fact an avid yogi.

he works hard for the milk!

we had a blast working outside in the beautiful weather yesterday. today, there is snow on the ground. oh, colorado.

Here he is-doing his thing.



And this is what he did when I wasn't watching and when I was.

A shout out from Zion early Wednesday morn

February 2008

Oh, motherhood.

Lately I have had two favorite “spaces” with Zion: being with him when he is up and cuddling with him after he is asleep at night.

When he is up there are so many times that I need to listen to him and learn. I kissed his foot the other day and the thought flashed through my head that I am kissing my teacher; Mary kissing Jesus’ feet.

I remember hearing Mike Yaconelli say that when his first child was born a nun at the seminary of Divine Contemplation told him that his son would be his greatest teacher. In parenting, there are so many spaces where you have the opportunity to receive healing: it comes when he is crying because he just wants to be held and my heart remembers the times in my life when I was crying on the inside or outside because I needed to be held. It comes when I put Zion’s future at the forefront of my goals and seek to give him a future of wonder and learning and joy as he has now. It comes when I see how many people he brings life to and are committed to him. It also comes when we receive special packages from a special friend right when I just need some extra encouragement and Zion needs new clothes.

And then there are those times at night when I hold him: there is something about human warmth and love between people. Holding Zion it is so easy to wrap my arms around his entire baby body. I feel protected somehow as I am holding him. It is as if together there is always hope and the world will be a better place. That must be why there is no fear in love.

The events of 2-21-2008

Yesterday I was part of a miracle. Rather, I was part of two. One happened in the early morning and the other happened later on.

The “big one” was that I helped deliver a baby. Our friends, Lindsay and Erik Warrington had Hayden Marshall Warrington at 8:25 on February 21^st. I acted as a doula and was there to massage, encourage, and aid Lindsay in giving her all until the baby was born. Erik's mom, MJ to those of us who are close to her, was also there and wonderfully helpful. We all took turns helping Lindsay relax and motivating her from 10 pm to 8:25 am.

I am grateful that the Warringtons (MJ & Erik) are so laid back. It was beautiful to see Erik and his mom. You could see the depth of their relationship and their likenesses. Both are pretty calm and easygoing people. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be with Zion and his wife one day when they give birth and remember back to the day he was born. Anyhow, Lindsay did excellent. She breathed slowly and relaxed at the right times. Just when she thought she couldn't go any further an epidural made everything all right and we all got a short nap. Being on the other side of the birth I was amazed at the fragility of the birthing mother and I understood so much more of what happened when I gave birth. The mother's responsibility is to take care of the child and bring the child into the world (no small task) and -for those of us who are there to support the mother- our role is to pray for strength and be strong so that the mother can be weak yet strong for the baby. I still don't fully comprehend it. Now, though,I do understand why it is so important not to talk about drugs until the mom does: emotionally she can be easily swayed in such a difficult situation. For me, it was exhilarating to cater to everything that Lindsay needed and run after it; I felt privileged.

My favorite part of the entire experience was the delivery. I have played it over and over in my head trying to wrap my mind around it. It seemed impossible that the baby would come out and I remembered in my own delivery how that point in time had felt ethereal; I was so physically present and exerting my body to its maximum in an undiscovered way and yet I was removed, above, reflecting, and inward simultaneously. I wonder if during the delivery there is a temporary hole into a different dimension of the spirit as the child being born is leaving that dimension but hasn't quite left and is partly entered into ours. I remember in my own birth with Zion I felt like I was shouting into a bucket while pushing, and I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of being celebrated. I was surrounded by women (except for KJ) and I felt like the spirit in the room was saying: “Yes! You are most fully woman right now! Yes! We celebrate you!” And at Lindsay's birth it was the same feeling. There it was again... the tear in between dimensions. And then his little head popped out- finally! It was truly a miracle. I do not understand any of it in my heart; but it is known to me.

*****************************************

The other miracle that happened that day is that of our community. We have not been able to see each other a lot lately and things felt distant. That evening, Brooke and Matt and our family met for dinner. Through conversation we were re-committed to one another and closer then ever. We are so unbelievably blessed and thankful.

road trip

This past week Zi and i 'tripped it all the way to Ioway and back through terrible snowy weather and then through just excessively cold weather.

It was a wonderful trip. Zion did marvelously both ways and rewarded my mom with familiarity and extra hugs around strangers.

I don't know how to describe it -even though at times he can be downright frustrating- my love for Zion continues to grow. It makes me feel so close to the face of God.

My son is a gem with many facets that we are allowed to delight in.

Being a parent has brought about many new struggles and I think that the Coach on Friday Night Lights said it best when his wife was stressing about the burden of childcare for their baby girl: it is our gift, not our burden.

Childcare is probably my biggest "gift" as of late. I just got back this week and KJ is leaving to go away this weekend so I need to ask for help during his usual Zion-time when I work Saturday mornings.

Over the trip I completed two audiobooks/memoirs: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris and Mommies Who Drink by Brett Paesel.

Both were stunningly good. I was also in the mood for introspection and real-life sharing.

David Sedaris is just plain excellent and hilarious at sharing family dynamics and his own story. Brett's book was so familiar in many ways as she tells her tale of being a mother and a wife. She also reminded me of my friend bethany lavoo (i miss you!) out in LA working the acting realm.

I have often remarked (recently) how I am a nonfiction kind of girl. I think this is because I love being a part of people's lives (and maybe without actually being is someone else's life). As a girl I loved books because they took me to many different places and I lived so many different lives; as an adult I feel the same way; their truth, their experience becomes my own.

I remember in junior high, in particular, I would often wonder what everyone else's lives were like. I knew that they had to be having some incredible experience that I was missing out on.

Now I know that is not true. Now I feel the opposite most of the time. However, the idea still creeps into my head. Memoirs, nonfiction, allow me into these private spaces.

And, ironically, I think this is why i feel the need to keep a blog. I want to share what I am thinking, sometimes, at least for myself. I want others to live my life with me.

Zion Walks! (with a little help)

With a little help, the little man is more then moving!

He is 9 months and 5 days old.

family values

I have been thinking a lot about what family values are, and who in our society actually embodies them.

It seems to me that family values= time + intentional time + teaching. Or, obviously, valuing the family. Since the last election was won on this principle* (and we have been following presidential politics closely these days) I think that the idea(l) resonates with the majority of Americans.

I have been watching a lot of videos and reading about normal folk raising their own roofs and making homes that are environmentally friendly and tons cheaper. Again and again they say how this allows them to not have to work to pay off a mortgage, but to work less and live more. Many of them also talk about the importance of being with their children.

Environmentalists? Hippies? Family values?

Because family values has so much to do with family time, I thought I would compare how we stacked up against other "non-family values" countries with maternity leave:

Canada: 15 weeks of maternity and 35 weeks of parental leave with 55% of average earnings to a maximum of $413.

New Zealand: either parent is entitled to a period of leave of 52 weeks while ensuring job protection. However, this leave is unpaid and is restricted to employees who have worked for at least 12 months for the same employer

Sweden: 450 days of paid parental leave and provisions for paid breastfeeding breaks during a working day for all nursing mothers, as well as crèche facilities.

France: 16 weeks of maternity benefits at 84 per cent of the minimum daily wage for the 1st and for the 2nd child. For subsequent children the leave is 24 weeks.

The United States: 6 weeks paid and up to a total of 12 weeks unpaid.

So. Family values.

*Unfortunately, the platform that got our current President elected was erroneous and, let's face it, based on gay marriage and abortion.
What he has done is enact bills that have hurt senior citizens and children.
Kinda reminds me of another leader who sough to purify (the Jews from) the homeland by preaching family values.

Yendra officially backs Hillary for president!

Alright. It's time for me to make my stand.

I realize that she can be abrasive. Uncharismatic. .. And I know she won't be able to institutionalize national healthcare.* But, she is the only candidate that might come close. She's uber-intelligent, has the most experience and will give everything to the job. Now, I love Obama. I love his charm and his heart, but that will not get the job done. However, if they were running mates... that would do the trick. The honest truth is that if Obama ran for president and chose Hillary as his v.p. they would have a better shot at winning. Then she would still bring about a lot of great change. but... if things were as i wish they were, Hillary would be president.

*I just found out today that the birth of our son with health insurance, excluding premiums will be $4,500.

classical, tension

i hope to be able to be more at peace this year with the tension of humanity. you know how it is: there you are enjoying life and then nighttime comes and you feel mortal. or: you make a commitment to be a better human and love deeply and care about all and then you find yourself treating someone like crap or eating food out of season.

with my whole heart i have been trying to be a good consumer. and i mean it when i say good. i am trying to buy cleaning products that are not harmful to the environment or to my family, we try to buy local and organic food; i dream of building a home out of straw bale and local resources that is off the grid.

each step takes me closer. and with each step i must be careful. i do not want to hurt others in the process nor do i want to make this an obsession and lose the meaning of the desire- which is love, goodness, creativity and responsibility= heaven.

so, i checked out a book called:
The Global warming survival handbook : 77 essential skills to stop climate change-- or live through it /
by Rothschild, David

and i am trying to take itty bitty steps in our home and at work.

i shop at a dented goods store. it is my absolute favorite, because you never know what you will find there! i found that they had the compact fluoresecent (cfl) bulbs that save lots of energy. see my lovely picture.

get this: if every american household replaced at least one of their incandescent bulbs with a cfl we would be able to prevent greenhouse gases equivalent to annual emissions of nearly 800,000 cars.

i believe with all my heart that if we all make an effort and do something to care we are creating heaven.

care. it's the best.

commitments

Today is the day of the baby shower for our friend Lindsay and Erik. There is a lot of anticipation for us because it is almost like it is our baby. We are grateful that our son will be almost a year old when their baby is born- so we are able to pass on almost everything from his first year. Since we aren't able to give them ginormous gifts like we would like to- we decided to wrap up what we bought them in one bag and then put all the other new items or nice items in bags as gifts. I have learned from our friend (Aunt) Erin the art of gifting; everything is special and beautiful in the gifts she gives our son. We wanted to do the same for our friends. Here is what we are giving them:

The other best part about today is that we have officially started paying a babysitter for our date nite. This is a big deal to me because I am a cheapskate, but I now understand that without a quality datenite (3 hours!) each week our relationship stinks.

I have also committed to posting blogs for the next three days... and I'm going to try a video blog.