Heretical Rumblings of the Heart Part II

Things That Don't Matter in the '60's (2060)

The unknown terrifies us all. Those that stuck our their necks in the civil rights movement were stepping out in the waters of the Jordan unsure if the tides would part and a people, through baptism, would emerge. During the time of the civil rights movement there was a biblical basis for slaves. There were people who loved God who couldn't see the wrong in it.

Now, time tells the story of us; a people who know that racism is wrong. We are a different and better church because of it.

Today we have our own issues. Time again will play out the truth. Chromosomes, genes. Mitosis. Sexual Reproduction. We don't always know what is right. What we do know is that people are born different. Some people are born with a genetic predisposition to like the same sex. And some feel like they are in the wrong body. Who are these? They are people. They can tell us about shame and they can tell us about hope. They tell the best stories because they have experienced the unimaginable... both good and bad. They teach us about generosity and forgiveness.

What do I know? I know that commitment is a sacrament. I know that God is committed to us. How perfect it is that the symbol of God's commitment and compassion to us is the rainbow. This is a symbol of the oppressed. Heck, it's my last name.

There are many understandable and logical arguments against homosexuality. I don't deny it. I am contending on a different level- a new covenant God of commitments and second chances and redemption.

There are many holy homosexuals who have remained celibate to avoid pious error. How many heterosexuals can say the same thing?

And, when we do look at the Bible as a standard and "law" for our lives we seem to find some concrete evidence against it... in the Old Testament. Now, I do try and eat kosher and but there are definite laws (multiple materials) that I do break. I'm not claiming to be able to obey everything here. But, the people who use these texts are generally Christians who don't try and follow a lick of the ten commandments (what about the Sabbath? it is a biggie) or the 503 other laws. So, it seems that devout Jews have a lot more leverage in citing these texts than Christians. And, honestly, I'm not speaking to the Jews- I am not one. I am speaking to the Christians. Don't we say that Jesus is the Author and Finisher of our Faith? What did Jesus have to say on the issue? Absolutely nothing that we know of. Could that have been intentional? It was prevalent back then. What we hear about in the New Testament could be disputed as referencing eunuchs. And what then? Is ignoring a small part and embracing the big part good enough? These are the true stories of those who stain the pages of the Bible. Didn't David, a man after God's own heart commit adultery and then kill the woman's husband (among many other things)? So the letter of the law is important. It is what calls us to account. But, it is the Spirit of the law that frees us and allows us to focus on the mission; to feed the hungry and bring peace and life. All of this has made me step back and think: what is it that I am saying overall with my life? Isn't that a better question.

But I don't want argue. I just want to share on a heart level.

Heretical Rumblings of the Heart

The Christian Church is at a point of uprising and implosion. It is a lovely time to live. The old ways are falling away and and a new faith and church is emerging that is an agent of change. However, we are amidst the shift. It is those that are clinging by their fingernails to the steeple of institution that are being carried away by the march of the disenchanted.

First of all, let's start with the biggie.

The Bible as an Idol

Truly, the Bible is great. It is composed of stories and history and poetry and letters. It is beautiful and wonderful because it is the sacred amongst the banality. And this is what makes it all the more powerful. We each want a place where everything will be explained for us. We want something that we can cling to and say, "this is it." This is exactly what I have to do and then I will be ok. However, life is not like that. There is grey. In our lives we have blemishes. It is our blemishes that makes our pure acts that much more beautiful. This is the tension that we have been given to live in. For those who adamantly purport that the Bible has no mistakes and that it is exactly as God Herself (ha ha!) would have wanted it... why does that matter? It matters because these people have no other method to hear from God. They desperately need something to cling to and say: this is it. I am safe. But the real question is not, am I safe? But do I taste? Do I know? Am I giving food to others? Before we were pregnant with Zion, we clearly heard from God that it was time for us to have kids (now I wonder what God was thinking). At that time I had been wrestling with the idea that Abraham obeyed all of the law before the law existed. How could this be? I wondered. After God spoke I finally understood. The law is encased in the Spirit. It is listening for God's voice and then acting. What of the miracles of the Bible if they do not happen again today? What is the point in believing in something old if you are not looking again for it to be made new? When God told us that we were to have kids there were kind words about us in the revelation and I thought it was because we were going to be the best parents ever. It was not until the past six months that I have realized how human, how angry and impatient I am that is making me and my children better people. It is through the process of fire. Here's a glass to you, St. Joan. Thanks for changing history through the fire in your soul.

Exuming my soul

I'm back and evolving. As of late I have felt like a Gothic painting with a hand clapped over my mouth. It's not that I haven't wanted to speak; I feel like I have been yelling out muffled by perceptions of what I should be thinking, believing and experiencing at this discrete point in my life.

I have felt compressed and stolen from in Debbie's death. But not in a way that most would think. There are many wonderful things about her and those unique and beautiful aspects of her will be treasured and missed. I feel as if I lost my husband. Since we have been married I feel as though she has taken from my husband much more than she has given. The reason that makes me angry is that more than any person on this earth KJ coveted her blanket of affection. I felt like he always had her approval and admiration but he openly asked for the affection and it was generally withheld; in her presence (physical or verbal) he was a little boy longing for his mommy to care. We seemed to live in the flux of momentary bliss of her approval, affection and admiration and mostly aching for it to return. When I learned that her cancer was terminal I exhaled; at least my children will not have to live through this continual rollercoaster of false promises and copious heartache.

She died on March 29th, 2010. She was the woman who made you feel like the luckiest person in the world. I had thought in her parting we would finally move on. I was angry at her because I felt that she would never give to KJ or our family what she expected to be given to her. I thought life was finally blooming; spring; Easter.

What I do understand is that this truly is the season of Epiphany. We are learning to walk in God's presence in life and death. The truth is, now has been the hardest part. Ironically, she has been the most present she ever was in KJ's life- she is in his dreams each night and they do things he loves (this has happened for about a month). He is constantly raw and I am drained from this pilgramage. I am beginning to see that her appearance in his dreams are her gift offering of the mother she wasn't when she was alive; he still needs her. I finally realized that I am angry that this process is dragging on. I think something in me associates prior pain with his mother in his grieving process and I just want it to be done so we can move on to the good part.

What is the good part? I am trying to figure that out. We are alive. We have space to figure out what it means to know God, life, family this side of existence. I love what Matisyahu says about this emptiness:

Being that a woman is a reflection of God, this means that I also have a void or empty space within. True creation must come from this place... this is the ultimate act of God's giving to us....autonomy.

Lady of the Bleeding Heart

This weekend KJ preached on Mary and her importance. I have thought of Mary as a mother and greatly appreciated her; today I venerated her.
The wonderful thing is that I finally understand what the big deal is!
Mary gets it. She had a choice to be crucified, to be the forerunner, to create a path for us to also follow in and she chose it.
I am so grateful for her response. And, I finally understand why Catholics pray to her. Of all the saints, Mary chose to go through agony all the days of her life from the time the angel appeared to her. And, she obeyed! She obeyed although it was so difficult. We see inklings of her humanity in the Gospels-Jesus running away to the temple as a child, her sending her children to get Jesus while he is preaching, and finally, Jesus asking John to take care of his mother as a son.
However, unlike the other saints, or big names of the Bible, we do not see her fall into temptation (David, Abraham, Peter, Paul's past). In Mary we have the pure in heart. In Mary I have a role model. In Mary we have a human image of the Feminine Divine.
In some ways, I am grateful to Catholics for glorifying her; she is great. Part of me wants to pray to her for help; I mean if anyone would understand, wouldn't she?
My hope is that I will be able to emulate her path and her willingness with the help of God and her encouragement. Blessed mother of God.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

my amazingly wonderful family

although kj posts pics & videos on his facebook and blog .
here are a few that i/my camera have taken in this past few months...









This is Zion's new fall wardrobe.






















One evening we put the lil man to bed with a hat on. He still had it on when he woke up!





















Umm. Come on. Adorable.
















KJ and I before Clare & Jamie's rehearsal dinner.





















Baby signing time. A special time. You can share what's on your mind.



















the snow is almost here. I promise.

plans?

A few months ago KJ, Zion and I were taking a much needed family day. Since the weather was bad we decided to go look at hunting stuff and have fun in Fort Collins. On the drive up it was stormy, but we had just bought our first new car a week ago. As I surveyed the strange weather I said, "I feel so safe in this car." Less then 20 minutes later we found ourselves in the middle of a tornado praying for our lives. A large tree limb fell on our car destroying the passenger side of the car less then a minute after I had moved in the backseat to comfort Zion. It has been a long time since I have felt so shaken up and so un-safe. How poignant. As we ran away from the car (it was pouring rain and there were rumors of more tornadoes passing through) I felt spared. I felt special.

That fateful day was in June. In August, we drove by the site of the accident. The 50+ tree was completely uprooted and only dirt covered the ground where it had been. Except. This sunflower. I honestly couldn't believe it. I took a picture to remember the beauty that can come from ugly situations. We are safe. We got a (better) new car. I learned that safety is not ours to claim, but it is what God has and does.

Fastforward a few months. I was able to leave a job in which I was very unhappy. I have had months of joyful days spending time at home with Zion. I am still working, just fewer hours and I am also taking classes. I have realized that I have been putting off parts of my heart -like writing- and spending my spare time watching tv to avoid dealing with our current situation. We are not where we had planned. There was some miscommunication at KJ's work as to a raise in his salary. We were just barely making it for a few months hoping to get to October- the month when everything would be ok. However, when we got to October we were told- maybe 3 to 6 months, maybe 8 to 10, who knows? As I relate it back to the day of the tornado I had a lot of security, or safety, riding on October. Now, things are not what we had hoped. We are very blessed that I can pick up a few hours to add a little to our income, but I can't make everything be alright.

This is a very tough place for me. I want to be thankful but I keep feeling wronged. I was listening to Rob Bell's sermon on Philippians 2:14-16 and he explained how Paul compared it to the Exodus. He talked about if you have any feelings in your psyche that God is not good then when a tough situation comes up you default into this mode.

Wow. I knew this was my central problem but I could not get past it. And, I do not want to own up to it because then I have to trust that God is good and expect God's Spirit and teaching in this situation.

This last part (of his sermon) I want to quote because it is so beautiful and eloquent that I want to say it, but my words serve it no justice:

God has an economy of salvation. We misread it;somethings are really difficult. That difficulty is an invitation to become a more truthful, honest, humble person filled with wonder. When these things happen they are not signs that God is absent, but signs and invitations to get through it because on the other side we will become a new kind of person. I am about to find out that the Spirit of God is present even in this. [Faith] is a marathon.

To relate all of this, I am going to go back to yoga, which is something that I have doing a lot of lately. I can handle physical toughness. I can push myself at certain times of the day. However, if I am not feeling great or I am drained I cannot. This is a lesson in trust and each day brings opportunities to ask for help. I need help. To trust is to ask for help. And so I ask for help today and I open my heart to the challenges that this crazy time of our lives bring; it is our gift; who knows what flowers it may bring?

sadness

today i said goodbye to a friend. the sun was shining, the flowers were in bloom and the air was a perfect warmness. out of nowhere i realized that this was the end. the start of a beautiful friendship stolen by distance. funny, i would never think that we would become good friends. she uses all kind of lingo that i just wouldn't and she's from texas and proud of it. i mean, seriously!

it seems like a strange friendship because, somehow, without even trying i am a blessing. recently i have been noticing my void of spirit. i have been engrossed in childcare issues, wanting to stay at home, working and going to school so that i can stay at home. all this longing to be able to simply love my family and focus on being.

yet, somehow i found someone that sees my true heart and feels kindred to it! it is not lost at all! thank you christi for revealing to me that it still beats strongly within me for love, justice, mercy and life.

it's funny how kindred souls seem so few and far between. it just happens or it doesn't.

so. today the sun shines into my sorrowed heart.